RollercoasteRide

acceptance

2008-07-25T18:23:00.003+07:00

I really thought that this was going to be my final destination...but apparently my journey has not come to its end. There's a life out there for me, and I don't feel like just sitting down and not to follow my instinct. I never regret my coming back, 'cause it would be useless and tiring. I am too tired of listening to others, and this time, I want to make my own decisions--even though they can be very contradictive to theirs--and I'd try not to care when they say "I've told you, didn't I?"

Everyone has a problem. It's simply inevitable. They're just packaged in a way that human has to figure out the golden answer, which is there's only one: acceptance. Life's full of changes, good and bad, and as much as we want to avoid them, they'll always be by our side. When things don't go our way, we'll just have to live with it. It's one of life's greatest necessity, since those so called troublesome exist to enrich our soul. Just think of it, there's nothing better than the rich feeling of overcoming all those troubles away and carve it as our precious moments of greatness....true?

a r t i f i c i a l material

2007-09-23T16:51:00.000+07:00

Met one of my college girl friend yesterday. Can't hardly believe how she's changed so drastically. I'm not saying that her change is in term of negative. Probably it's just me who is just not aware that human a r e supposed to make changes, physically and behaviorally, in the phases of their lives. I'd lift my hat up to salute one's bravery to change, but hers...I don't feel comfortable with.

She has been my clique for the past 7 years. Back in the days, she was the girl who always wears blue-striped Ocean Pacific polo shirt every once in two days and a plain black backpack. Now, she would never be caught wearing the same shirt in two weeks in a row. She's always covered with branded things, from top to bottom. A MNG top, NEXT jeans, NINE WEST pumps, GIORDANO belt, and embedded jewelry around her neck. Not to mention a glowing-looking-skin, Dr. Titi's-a famous dermatologist-polish. Sometimes, she'd wear her neon-green CROCS flats and say something like "Oh, these shoes are so comfy...it makes me feel like I'm not wearing any..."

It's not that I am jealous...at all! I have the capability to do the same as her, it's just that...She's been doing it a little too much!

Yesterday, when I took out my wallet to get some money to buy a drink. She glanced, and grabbed it from my hand. "New wallet heh?" I said, "Yea, it's NEXT. Got it from my former boss for my birthday present." She took a closer look-perhaps wondering how much it cost, the look on her face even said that she planned to take a look at the nearest NEXT shop to find the number written on the price tag the day after.

Oh my God, I was so amazed. Watching her means watching a total hedon. She became a super-spender with a boyfriend driving a BMW and a confused soul who thinks that brand is 'all that'. Along the way, my lips were shut, did not sure what to say, not knowing the person sitting on the front of the car, yapping about how cool it would be to have a wedding in Dharmawangsa Hotel, or live in the heart of South Jakarta with all the attributes attached.

I do not put the blame on her. Again, it's a matter of choice. But, for me...I think I'll stick to my weekly dose of Ambasador and Melawai clothes-hunt, and feel good about myself for not having to buy branded stuff to boost my confidence, thank you very much!

It's in the Cards

2007-09-14T20:45:00.000+07:00

Do you have a flair for the arts? Are your familiar haunts the local theatre, art museum or pottery shop? If so, it appears that your cards are of the heart suit.

Heart suits are known for their creativity. This can come out in a painting, on the stage, through a poem, or something else entirely... It's no wonder your friends are most likely to find you in the dark room or in theatre rehearsal long after the last bell has rung.

On the other hand, those who share the heart suit can occasionally get caught up in drama. Hearts are known for their sensitive nature and emotional side. Since you are in touch with your feelings, it can be hard to control outbursts--especially when you are feeling hurt or frustrated.

Overall, though, your friends love your compassionate spirit and kind heart. Plus, you're usually game for a gallery opening or DIY project. What could be better?

I'm Baaaack....

2007-09-03T15:55:00.000+07:00

After wandering in space for months, having blogger googled-so devastating that I gave up, and even made myself another blog -> http://nonamiranti.multiply.com, I finally succeeded in finding my way back home to my RollercoasteRide! Yaaaaaaay!

I've tried Multiply but since there's too many things waiting to be explored, yet so little IT skill, my blog ended up so 'garing' (sigh). A couple of months ago, I also joined this blog competition about Titan-a cooking supply shop that my sister loved going with the grandprize of 2.5 mill shopping voucher. Then, suddenly out of nowhere...I was connected by a network of jalansutra, kulinerkita & stuff like that (to think that I couldnt anything right...lately, I've been receiving recipes of 'Pasta Ubi Bakar', 'Pisang Saus Karamel' etc. It's fun..(kinda weird, but fun)

Anyways, as I've always felt comfy using this site to post my journals, I'd be posting a lot more of those 'travels' on a rollercoster here in this very site.

You'll never know...

2007-02-13T16:46:00.000+07:00

"Loe tuh alpukat..Gw semangka..D**** melon. M*** pepaya. Ngerujak yuuuk!Huahahaha..."

You will never know how much a person means until that person is not there beside you anymore.

That is exactly what I felt when one of my precious loved ones didn't want to consider me as a friend no more. I felt so low. When I thought I had it all figured out, suddenly came a thunder that ruined them altogether at once. I understand that apart of this was caused by my own foolishness (which I still regret till this very second), but I believe that a bond needs compromises as well.

I've learned my lesson...and I apologize for breaking my promise, for disappointing you, for being ignorant & selfish, for making white lies so everyone would be happy (which apparently made things worse in the end!).

Gosh, (even though this sounds like the cheesiest thing, but...)I love you too dearly...I wish you'd forgive me. I wish we could start over.

If a 'sorry' cant mend what we had, then...we'll just have to get by and start living like strangers.

(which would be the last thing I want to do, ever in my life...)

they're only words

2007-02-06T13:42:00.000+07:00

letter by letter, forming a word...
word by word blending a thought...
thought by thought delivers a message...
creating feelings, controlling what lies within, driving the captivation untold ever...
everything happens for a reason.
every soul connected for some thing,
it's gotta be something...(i can tell!)

everything happens for a reason.
why you? why me? why now? why wonder? why not?

I hear ya, loud & clear!

2007-01-30T18:08:00.000+07:00

My 3rd week. Piling the remains of my dazes & confusions, workin' my way to put the puzzle in order. Looking back, (damn!) I feel so lucky. Having the chance to take a dip of this & that, measure my highs & lows to the limit, lively sober--fortunately. They all came to the point where I least expected.

As I'm so NOT a BaTam (BanciTampil), never have I imagined to have my pic taken for 'her world', hooked up all silly and goofy in a magic show (nationally broadcasted), experience administrating print ads flow in a TV station, and incidentally occupied with lotsa crazy stuff I would just day dream about!

Singledom, my kingdom, away boredom, with a sip of Dom Perignon (hohoho!)

Onward we go, ma dear :)

Think Happy Thoughts

2007-01-10T12:00:00.000+07:00

It's so typically me to freak out whenever I encounter something different. Yet, if I stand still, I know I wont have the slightest chance for moving forward. I'll eventually regret the past for not making the best of it. Shouldn't be looking at things with a magnifying glass.

One lesson I haven't mastered yet -> When you get stuck, you have to think, "What's next?" in order to avoid the second fall-into-the same-blackhole. O ya, and also to prior things at its proportion. Another thing (he!), is to be thankful for every heartbeat, breathe of air, and good memories.

It is me whom I have to convince, no one else.
2007...changes are okay if it's for the better.
Think happy thoughts, and everything will be just fine, Mir...
Keep on moving...
No worries.

I've made up my mind

2006-12-22T08:26:00.000+07:00

In front of me are two paths, which I must opt one (or else I will remain restless for my entire life). One is full of booby-traps, jammed doors and rocky winding roads...very challenging and extremely fluctuative. However, it also teaches me how to find a way out from those obstacles as well. The fact that it is underneath a huge label, gets credits and awes from peers, and flashy glamorous outings are only a few to mention the bright side of the jungle. On the other hand, another path is more safe and sound, less dynamic (I won't say that it's dull or anything), and is basically something I've been doing all these times anyway. So, I know where I stand and even though it's not polished with bling-blings and all, I feel relatively secured. Yet, my surroundings constantly telling me I'd make the Idiot of the Year if I decide take the easy way. The question has been bugging me for months already, and through those times, I begin to realize who I really am and what I want to do with my life. I am a truly free Aquarian who cares not for what other people would think if I take either path. I have given up to my intuition. As for whatever people might, have, had, and will think about me and my decision, I wouldn't care less. Let the past be a lesson and I'll stroll along the path I've chosen to live by.

|A bundle of thanks|

2006-08-08T16:48:00.000+07:00

Dear god,

Thanks for giving me those Barbie dolls when I was 5, got me a mum and dad who caressed and treated me as if I was a little Paris Hilton with 4 tall bodyguards and a big sis who'd instantly come to their rescue whenever I need them. I can see my past and smile thinking how much I've been pampered so well I feel like I'm the luckiest little lady ever.

For I am now a so-called-fun fearless female (hehehehe...), I am to stand up for myself when life doesn't treat me as kindly, or when things aren't going like I want them to be. However, I still owe you a 'thanks' for those joyous laughters shared with my mates, for those endless reliability, for those uplifting admiration, for every ecstasy moment of fasten-heartbeat, and especially for every breakdown that makes me stronger than before. Just like gravity, you bring me down...but then you gain me double invinsibity.

Song of the day

2006-08-03T14:49:00.000+07:00

You don't even have to try
It comes easy for you
The way you move is so appealing
It could make me cry
Go out driving with my friends
In Bobby's big old beat up car
I'm with a lot of people then
I wonder where you are

Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times

I don't want to say goodbye
Don't want to walk you to the door
I spend a little time with you
I want a little more

Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times, give me some of that
Good times, bad times, give me some of that

Here..piggy..piggy!

2006-07-26T14:51:00.000+07:00

men are pigs...and women are pig lovers...hahaha...

when a kid writes to god

2006-07-26T08:31:00.000+07:00

I remember when I was a kid, I've always wanted to be a grown up...
Now, I wish I could turn back time and barely think about anything :)

Changes Occur

2006-06-23T17:24:00.000+07:00

Can't help it. People change, relationships change, nature change, work changes. New born babies, family member's lost, heartbreaks, hearthrobs...The transition is the most difficult part of the process, actually. Since men are habitual creatures, their perspectives aren't that easily rotated. However, again, despite their stubborn-change-loather-headed set of mind, men are also adaptive. Saying goodbye is never easy, and welcoming something new is a re-charge for both mind and soul. Sometimes, the impulse speaks louder than the logic, which creates thick walls, making one so fearful of exploring and experimenting. Many times, it prevents one from taking risks that might open brighter murals ahead. The biggest war is one against oneself. As time went by, I realize that I've taken too bit of risk in my life that I believe it's time for a change. I'd start from stopping my bitterness towards others as a reflection of my insecurities. Chill...Who knows, a little change can make the world a better place to live. I'm a transformer...can't possibly hide underneath my red hood eternally, can I?

A quite nice long weekend it's been

2006-05-28T15:45:00.000+07:00

Sunday it is. The last few days have been "a long weekend" since work days apply only from monday to wednesday (though certain people weren't as much blessed as they had to work on Friday as well). And, as for moi, Saturdays & Sundays have always been my time in search for a little fund to spend on the rest of the weekend. I've had my agitated days, and more to come, I believe...envying those who spare most of their weekend with their love ones, outing, dining, blah-blah-blah...however, it's my choice of earnig a living. Thus, I should not be nagging or anything.

Thursday, May 25th was actually the only official public holiday a.k.a the Ascenscion of Jesus Christ. Spent time with my buddies to a site downtown where people can purchase one of a kind vintage items. So, off we went by Transjakarta at 3 something in the afternoon...rumors mentioned that the shops r closed at 5. We arrived at 4.30 and met the shopkeeper right on time for him to pay for the parking ticket. He told us that the shop's closed at 4.30.Damn! A bit dispponted, yet the journey should not end straight away...especially after that long winding road we went through. The situation left us no more than a stroll along the shoe stores scattered on both sides of the path. After a few roundabout and a pledge of not going home empty handed, we got ourselves a few pairs of shoes in a very reasonable price. Good bargain indeed!

Friday...spent some time with my friend at Citos. Ate like a hog! Hot wings...just couldn't get enough of 'em, baby! Then, watched a video of my friend's past, she was a dancer, a great one too. Kewl :) At noon, laid back on my bed...watched Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp's act in Chocolat...Gosh, now I know why Rina's so head over heels over Mr. Vanessa Paradis. He's ten times more luscious that the chocolate itself!!Lurrrve the chemistry between the 2. Yet, the day passed away vastly as I decided to rest my sight and went to bed early. Taa-taa for today...

Saturday evening...a tragic event occured in Jogya. A tectonic earthquake has disturbed the peaceful cite which I adored the most in this whole wide archipelago. I share a great sympathy and prayers for the Jogjakartan. Wish Jogja will heal soon.
Anyway, I watched X-MEN 3 with my circle of buddies once again at Setiabudi Building at 22.50. Dined at Ta Wan beforehand. Man...it was devil in disguise! How could I resist the porridge? Tasted so devilishly delicious :d Driven home at 2 in the morning. Had to jump over compound's gate. Felt like doing illegal trespassing, which certainly a splendid way to end the evening. Mission accomplished.

Sunday...here I am, typing, browsing, checking out pics of mates linked together in a website that blends 'em all in one, famously known as friendster. A couple of minutes ago, a friend just texted me. I might as well get ready for another adventurous journey on the go!

Ironic

2006-05-23T19:48:00.000+07:00

It's weird how i feel like smiling and grieving at the same time...
It's uncommon for me to let go of maself for it has been a custom to repress ma feelings, acting like nothing's wrong.
It's ridicilous to be an outsider and live a world of ma own, yet it's actually a hip thing to watch the crowds make a fool outta themselves.
It's so not right to be too nice for the fact that being bitchy is far more temptatious.
It's unfair how some gets all the colors, nevertheless, the rest remain black and white.
It's incredible how people finally found their lifetime cliques, but some ended with mates they love not.

So much irony, so little time to think...
on second thought, why should I bother anyway?

My wound shall be healed

2006-05-18T17:53:00.000+07:00

As the sun sets peace with the moon, that is when I will drain all the memories of thou. I could hardly believe that such moments were real, though even if they were, they left me nothing but a scar that cuts deep as they suddenly got reminisced. Every little thing reminded of thou...and they seemed to sympathyze me by telling that they once lived only in thee's imagination. Thou disappearance left me with questions unanswered and wounds wide open...Yet, all the confusion, anger, devastation and pain...they fade away, together with the rising tide that washes away the tips of sands. They led me to a (logic) conclusion that I was never the person you hoped for to share a happy ending with. The door's been revealed, my shut eyes have been opened, the dark has turned into light. It would be a lie to say that it didn't break me into pieces, but, miraculously, I am beginning to see that I can be just fine without thou's sight. Perhaps we did get stuck in the moment, lovefooled by that thing called loneliness, figuring our way out of this labyrinth of misunderstanding and attempt to conquer our insecurities by whatever it was in front of us. I never regret thou, I had a wonderful, precious time no other companion would make me thankful for. But, that was then. And this is now. So long and farewell. Hope thou and thee shall eventually find what we have (really) been looking for.

say "bubye!" to yesterday

2006-05-01T14:53:00.000+07:00

(aren't they just adorable?! :))

YESTERDAY
written by PAUL McCARTNEY and JOHN LENNON
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday...
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it seems as though they're here II stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly, I'm not half the woman I used II be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh yesterday came suddenly
Why he had II go, I don't know
He wouldn't say
I said something wrong now I long for yesterday.
Yesterday...
Love was such an easy game II play
Now I need a place II hide away
Oh I believe in yesterday
I believe in yesterday
Oh I... had II go I don't know
He would not say
I said something wrong
How I long for yesterday
Yesterday...
Love was such an easy game II play
Now I need a place II hide away
Oh I believe in yesterday
I believe in yester...day
Oh yesterday was far away
And I know I can't turn back
'Cause yesterday is gone.

...we live for the present and tomorrow. Yesterday's over already. Live with it.

The Color of My Aura

2006-04-27T13:10:00.000+07:00

VIOLET
In the world of auras, violet is the color of visionaries. Violets are inspired individuals who are filled with enormous amounts of compassion for the human race. They are usually committed to great causes--think environmental or peace activism--that they think will save the world. Their lives tend to be intense and dramatic because they feel they have the power to change things, even if others find their ambitions unrealistic. Do you feel you have a higher purpose in life? Do you want to change the world? Then you may be happy to be in the company of other folks with violet aura souls.

Violets are the inspirational visionaries, leaders and teachers who are here to help save the planet. Most Violets feel drawn to educate the masses, to inspire higher ideals, to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals and the environment.

All Violets have an inner sense that they are here to do something important, that their destiny is greater than that of the average person. Most Violets have felt this way since childhood. As children, many Violets imagined becoming famous, or traveling the planet, possibly joining humanitarian causes such the Peace Corp. Many of these charismatic personalities take on roles as leaders and teachers, while other Violets prefer to reach people through music, film or other art form.

Because this era is currently the "Violet Age," any Violets who are not accomplishing what they came here to do are experiencing an inner “push” — even an inner “earthquake.” Inner forces seem to be shaking them up and pushing them to move into action, to fulfill their life purpose. Violets know they are here to do something significant. However, they aren't always sure what that something is or how to accomplish it.

Many Violets were taught as children that their dreams and aspirations were unrealistic, so they have lost touch with their original visions. It's important for Violets to reconnect with their life purpose and vision, and to take action. Otherwise they will always feel unfulfilled. They will always sense something is missing from their lives. Violets need to learn to slow down long enough to listen to their inner voice and to connect with their higher vision.

"oh, that explains why most of my clothing has a li'l sense of violet... :)"

Blood is thicker than water

2006-04-13T22:31:00.000+07:00

I'm starting to believe that women are 'blessed' with the 'power' of digesting their surroundings in details...(well, many times too detailed). For some women, even microscopic objects can turn into an issue as big as a brontosaur. I am, indeniably, categorized as one of the last group mentioned.

I've gone from km 0 to 8 just to find that I'm moving backwards to km 5 again. There are so many things going on in my head that I often feel out-of-focus. A good friend once told me that somewhere in between my consciousness, there are hidden thoughts unexplored. Perhaps it is because I'm never a frontal individual anyway. I still possess buried issues with my in-law, and even though I have tried to forget and pass by, I can still sense the cold war's breeze. Wish I can just say "F*** off, biatch!", but I can't possibly execute such impulsive action (if that happens, I might already in heaven...)

Every morning I wake up when the sun is high, and I wonder if she's still around, or else I'd hafta wait a couple more hours 'till she's really out of sight. Dunno what's gotten into me, but interacting with her seemed to be so horrific & the perfect ruiner to start my day.I'm such a hater...(which doesnt make me any better than her, I assume). Arrrgh...I'm not a saint anyway...I don't have to always be the good girl at all time, right?! Right or not, I object to face that unfriendly mimic another morning, so I'll just keep myself occupied with things that keep me high & happy.

Life's complicated enough, my mind shouldn't...(workin' on it)

February, my favorite month in the calendar

2006-03-26T15:30:00.000+07:00

Yesterday is history...Tomorrow is a mystery...Today is a present..

FEBRUARY :

Abstract thoughts.
Loves reality and abstract.
Intelligent and clever.
Changing personality.
Attractive.
Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble.
Honest and loyal.
Determined to reach goals.
Loves freedom.
Rebellious when restricted.
Loves aggressiveness.
Too sensitive and easily hurt.
Gets angry really easily but does not show it.
Dislike unnecessary things.
Loves making friends but rarely shows it.
Daring and stubborn.
Ambitious.
Realizing dreams and hopes.
Sharp.
Loves entertainment and leisure.
Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
Tries to learn to show emotions.

oh-so-me.... :)

Wasup?

2006-03-01T17:35:00.000+07:00

Woke up at 9.30, stretching my muscles and run to the toilet...trying to gather what's left from my away spirit. Flew to my sista's place while wondering what I am supposed to do with ma kids today. Hmmm..? we shall practice for the performance, I thought. That'd be okay for 45 minutes...Then, asked one of my bros to drop me over to the place I've been going to for 2 straight years back in the 90s. Never imagined I could be attached in a way I could ever imagined with that place. Taught, and now teaching...hell, yea, it's awkward having dozens of pairs of eyes staring and examining.

Turned out the kindy class was chaotic..that loud that it took one of the skool's mentors to lend a hand. For me, it was one honoured moment considering she's actually audiovisualizing how to manage the angelic devils though it is also a correction for this li'l missy on how to control the situation when it's got a li'l carried away. I had no heart feelings, that's for sure. Why do people hafta bother anyway?

The 2nd class was horrible. Hell! that's all I could say. The 3rd, thankfully, was smooth. And now, here I am...waiting for the time to fly until it's time to rendezvous with my companions to go home.

Teaching is certainly NOT an izzy pizzy lemon squeezy task to be done. It takes one's heart and soul to keep up with. Not everyone has the ability nor the right to say that s/he is the greatest teacher. I am now still continuiously learning. It IS challenging, yet the fruit of my labor will definitely taste sweet as heaven. The fact that teacher has the potential to turn zero to hero and rags to riches is priceless, that is the absolute truth.

affirmation of a limbo situation

2006-02-26T13:22:00.000+07:00

Like a rollercoster ride...nothing shall remain to be positioned at the very top of everything for good. There will definitely times to fall and break down. As long as we are still breathing and continuously searching for the best we can obtain. Again, there's nothing called BesT for humans anyhow since man is a fool, when it's hot, he wants it cool, when it's cool, he wants it hot...he always wants what he has not.

We try as hard as possible to keep our lives balanced, though without dynamics life would might be so dull. Still figuring out, still attempting to get a grip of the ups and downs. Never felt totally secured, but I'm hangin' there. I believe that there is no such thing as coincidence. I have faith that everything happens for a reason. Questions unanswered...maybe they're better left out to be a mystery...The flowing chemistry, why does it have to be occupied rather than be enjoyed?

Every one has untold secrets...every one has a past...There are hurtful truths, buried pains, unerasable tint inside a blackbook, but then, we don't live for the past, we live for the future. And that's all what matters, right?

...One step at a time...

2006-02-19T12:01:00.000+07:00

Taking everything bit by bit...brick by brick...step by step...
There is no need to be in a rush...enjoy every moment...cherish every smile...embrace every laughter...
We're still searching for answers for those questions and juggling with our fears and undescribable hopes...
I like looking at your wide set of eyes, 'cause there...I can see the warmth and comfort you provide for me...
I enjoy spending time with you, although it may take some time to know you a little bit better...
We are souls granting for mates to share our tears of grieve and joy, as life has set us together...
Whatever we shall become....
We ARE two human beings who have the freedom to decide...

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-02-12T12:30:00.000+07:00

One more day to end my 23rd year of living...and the last digit 'll be added by one more. Phew...whatta journey...It seemed like yesterday when I wore my grey&white uniform (hehehe..too hiperbolic ya?!). Mmmm, all things I've gone through have definitely taught me not to be dependent to others, neither does trusting your love ones too much. I also learned that white lies are (ok...) made for protecting one's feelings, but no matter how painful the truth may become, white lies are not an option to be taken. Been there, done that. It sucks having all the people you put your trust on make a scheme in the name of 'not getting anyone hurt'. Once a lie, stays a lie. I was madly disappointed at first, but then I realize that it might be wiser to forgive, forget, and start anew. Nobody lives a life without any obstacles running their way. I must say how grateful I am for standing exactly on the spot where I am right now, and when the truth was revealed when I enter my 22 years of age, the universe was really brought down to my knees. It was one of the turning points to grow up for me. Yet I may not be called as 100% mature or whatsoever, I'd have to say that it's all a process to be better than before. I'm no saint, that's for sure. But , sometimes, I find it hard to say No (not to drugs, d'oh!) to people just cuz I wanna please them. So much for being altruistic, I didn't even realize that there are times when they took me for granted!Geez...sometimes I wanna join a community of good girls turn bad! hehehe...but life's shitty enough to be more complicated than it is now. So...yeah...I've broken some rules, but I know when to stop, so I guess being bad a li'l won't hurt much for this good girl, ryte?

My wish list for the new age:
1. a settled income...not having to drag myself outta bed for teaching on weekends
2. keep my feet on the ground...no more daydreaming and disorientation (so, no more lost of track on the road!)
3. the ability to wake up earlier&chill for another Monday
4. upgrade my memory capacity!
5. be grateful for every O2 inhaled in all circumstances
6. accept the truth and live with it
7. be more powerful against all pleads
8. make peace with my in-laws
9. lose the last few pounds
10.find my soulmate

24 is only a few hours from now...hope I'll get my wishes allrite :)

A quote frm Ms. Hilton

2006-02-04T12:42:00.000+07:00

Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her closet, a tiger in bed, and a jackass who pays for everything. *Paris Hilton*

This quote comes from a girl who was born with a silver spoon on her mouth. No wonder 'eh? She can get all those at once in a blink of an eye. I'd say "Yea!" if you ARE one of the Hilton Kingdom's heiress who does shopping for killing time at noon, considers cameo-acting as working, and clubbing as a calorie burner. Whoa, whatta life! Not to mention a series of scandalious stories with (still queueing up til now) good looking fellas :p and those catfights with other youthful precious ones.

Imagine living one day in her shoes. Betcha painful, especially in those stilettos and paparazzis stalking from every angle. However, she was born together with a supasta charisma which enables her to dazzle the sight of millions of watchers. Must be dead tiring to keep up billions of dollars attitude flawlessly...and still get bitched and labeled as "Crumbs from Yesterday's Cheesecake". Yikes!

She might not enjoy her 8 hours beauty sleep (unlike some of us who have the privilege for a 9 hours daily sleep :)), unavailable for slouching on the couch and set up a grouchy face (like a normal-exhausted-human being), or even move 1o metres distant without her pics taken. I feel sorry for this girl whose face is all over beauty and fashion magazine for not having a quality time for herself cuz the public wants to knooooow aja...

I used to drool for Nicky's sister cuz she seemed to have the universe turning on the palm of her hands, but then , I realise that she's just a typical gal, indifferent than other bubbly, unstable Venus creatures. She has her strength and weaknesses as we all do. It's just that she got all the exposures a little bit too much...In all, she's one of those people who adds colour to average people's life, ain't she?

It's only Paris, the States, and Indo against the world...

Money..Money..Money..

2006-01-30T14:07:00.000+07:00

Whoever said that money isn't all that is a bunch of crap. From my experience, money IS all that. The freakin M word that has made my sanity dropped into an inch from the ground, felt like I have no control of myself. However, ever since I have cash in hand, it seemed that I got the whole world in front of me, dying to be explored into the deepest earth's crust. I've been a heavy spender lately, yet I suffered no regerets in doing so. It's all worthwhile anyway...it makes it even to all the drools I got on my face when I saw this and that on sale with no cash in my pocket. Those days were horror! Yep, sippin and drinkin with no mercy as for I am right now.

Last time, I got myself a huge bunch of DVDs to kill the time...and so it has proven, the time was swept away together with my emotional loads and tears as I watched them together with the moonlit and a savoury hot drink. It's been nice spending the hours of joyful solitary moments. To think that I've had too much of myself wondering when this penniless situation will stop intoxicating me. Guess now the table's turned...ha-ha!

Once in a while, a shadow of this person, whom I tawt was gonna play an important role in my life, is somehow going to make a move, remains as a shadow. I've wasted too many hopes on sending out harmless signals and not getting any response as a reply. Blah..blah..I guess they're all are CatS...if there's this chunk of meat in front of 'em, they'd go for the moment in a glance, but only for ThaT momentum. Exchanged numbers and flirtatious contacts have proven that even a romantic situatuion can be WronG. Boo-hoo, guess too many romantic comedies can harm your brain if you take 'em all as a whole. Once again, Plastic Reality.

...you CaN set up your mind on who you're going to fall in love with...however, it would be so Less Magical...

Lovefooled once again. Can't be wrong to keep an eye of heartbreakers, but as we ArE living a risky situated city with a whole bunch of misfits and all, I might just go and gamble!

***an approaching figure on my mind. Nope, it's not the one I've been wondering (too long)about. But someone else. This one is starting to give me butterflies on my tummy whenever I think of...Hope it's not just a false alarm***

it went well after all... :)

2005-12-01T19:51:00.000+07:00

These few days were quite frustrating. I felt so gloomy and gray. There's no explanation for that. It's just my unstable me emerging from underneath my darkest soul. It gets in my nerves once in a while. No medicine can cure that 'something wrong-but i dunno whatta do with it'. There are few paranoias, about few things. But, somehow...when I almost came to my limit, there's a helping hand out of nowhere. Mysteriously, whwn I was a centimetre away from losing my grip, a door opens...and another...and another...And I think to myself "What a wonderful world."

How mysterious and unpredictable life goes. When I look around, I don't see an ant farm on which each soul is the owner's. I see that every soul has their own will, spirit, and faith to make way for their own future. Forgiving does not mean losing, starting from nothing does not mean embarassing. I believe that every person is a habitual creature. I am one of them who fears for change. Changes, frequently frightens me. I've tried, but I guess I haven't tried hard enough. For I have stepped on the same path I went through moments ago. I share no denial in my confession. I realize that every single thing has its price, and I am finding my path amidst the vivid reality.

There's a quote I read: "When you're down on your knees, be thankful for the things that you dont want...and not getting." It's really important to keep my spirit above the ground, even though there were (and there will be) rougher moments to come. Bad and good, Yin and Yang, David and Goliath...that's life. Simply cheer the upcoming, and be afraid not.

Like a rollercoaster...sometimes you go up, so high, euphoric, ecstasy...
yett, inevitably, at times, you fall down, 'til it hits the ground, no mercy...
Truly, c'est la vie.

I envy U

2005-10-15T14:23:00.000+07:00

You and your magnetic (nearly flawless) charm that works instantly to both sexes...
You and your handy tools that does magic in turning rags to riches...
You and your childlike eyes and devilish smile that hold the power to melt the coldest mountain...
You and your bravery and confidence in stealing those things, and those hearts...
You and your youth, flexibility, independency, vulnerability, and secrecy...
You, you, and you...
It surprises me that you even bother to lean yourself on me...
even adore me...
while the whole universe have their eyes caught on you...

You might (or might not) know that you provide me despair,
from all those staring and admiring eyes...
I cannot compete with you...though I sometimes sense that you see me as one
There is no way I can possibly hide my pride realizing your insecurity for my being a threat to such a fine creature...

I envy you, my dear...
Why do we have to placed in a situation where love and hate collides?

getaway

2005-10-12T16:08:00.000+07:00

Eyes closed. In silence. Looking back over the dimension of time. Separating my spirit away from the flesh. Reaching beyond the possibles. Searching the losts and founds in a cosmic astral travel...
Seeking for my regrets, and allow forgiveness to step in. Browse in the faces caught in hatred, and mercy them. Letting my rockbottom past mistakes be a lesson in the future.
Now, it is time to soothe myself with sweet juicy victorious glory I've once achieved...and let them be my guidance whenever I feel trembled.

Affirmation-Affirmation-Affirmation. Ha-Ha. Speaking is easy, but reality is plastic beauty.

I never knew that making peace with myself can be tremendously hard. Life has already made complicated, and I know I should not make a labirynth out of it. All those restless evenings, those negativism, those things I shoulda, woulda done, yet resulting none.

However, inevitably, the travel proceeds...

In My Solitude

2005-09-24T14:35:00.000+07:00

In my solitude, I stopped & wonder...I put myself in a situation where I am the queen of my kingdom. No boundaries, no time schedule & hardly no pressure. I have no regrets, cuz none of 'em will do me any good. I am what I choose to become, and so here I am. Every now & then, there'll always be people who judge, even attempts to dominate what I have in mind, but it's all up to myself to determine. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I live as I believe (yup, exactly like Mrs. Whitney describes).
It's not like I'm striving to become Wonder Woman or whatever, but I intend to be super happy in whatever I do. Moments by moments passing by, leaving traces of whatever it takes for me to step forward. I live as I wish & feel darn good so far.

One thing leads to another.

2005-08-18T08:41:00.000+07:00

Finally. My debt is paid. Finished school. Now, it's time to hit the road. Busy browsing the Internet, look for newspaper ads, dropped my CV to relatives who worked and has co-workers in companies of my interest. Continually make efforts to survive in this cruel man-eater world. Been avoiding places I 'want' to go and limit my destinations only to the places I need to go. Bitter sweet...but it's for the best. At least that's what financial advisors kept on bitching...Hemat Pangkal Kaya!mmmm...poor today, long live richie rich later on! (hope it wont be another utopic saying).

I sorta sound devastated, eh? cause I am. My 5 and a half life support kit has shown symptoms of ignorance and boredom. Oh-oh...he's like, my one and only source of income! and if his mum knows that the kid doesn't like me as much as he was before, then I'll be marked with a big L on my forehead. Nu-uh, that's not me. I've slipped a few times, but I managed to wake up again. I wont let this horrify me and blur my way to get myself a full time occupation. Missing those deadlines...those emotions...those energy flows...those vibrant weekends the whole staff's all been waiting for...

As TiMe Goes By...

2005-08-05T12:37:00.000+07:00

Taking things one at a time…time says it all. I believe that every thing in my journey of searching for the meaning of living is all in the right timing.

A pinkish childhood, filled with Barbies, seaweed flavored Taro, fake hair rollers and hair dryers, stuffed teddy bears, a gigantic Garfield, and make-ups. I had fun… even though with strict prohibition of not being allowed to buy snacks (‘til I ended up pick pocketing a handful of bubble gums in a crowded shop near my skool!), played ABC Pancasila throughout skool days and transform into Ibu Guru at home with my stuffed animals as the pupils, got bruises from being pinched by my impatient sista for unable to do Maths homework…Ah, those days!

A bluish puberty-hood, with heaps of colorful jelly shoes and Doc Marts (most wanted item of the 90s), long flower-patterned skirts, backpacks surrounded me…everybody seemed to look alike…I was just not into it. Got head over heels with this guy (I feel like puking whenever I reminisce him), naively, I followed the game, and found out that I was being fooled around (the worst thing is that the bastard is listed in one of my hi-skool’s mate’s Friendster). In all, this age sucks!

A purplish hi-skool…got several flings with some fellas J It was nice, like the scent of grass after the rain, which really gives extra energy injection to bring my feet to skool. Been a latecomer each and every day (so many lateness that I had to do my exam at the teacher’s office), hung out to Melawai (like, every weekend…), stuck in a mate’s house in Gandaria –while people outside are setting fire on cars and took out 30’ TVs from electronic shops as if they deserved it—during kerusuhan Mei, photographed on a fishing spot for year book, gone here and there with uncountable people behind. Crazily kool those days were…

A rainbow-ish uni days, with all colors in them. Learned soooooo many things, the hard way, the smooth way, the miraculous way. I cherished each and every one of them dearly, no matter how painful it was. Juggled with my unstable thoughts, fears, and insecurities. As Joe “fear factor” used to say ‘it’s all in your mind…’ umm, maybe he’s right.

Waiting in Vain

2005-07-22T12:24:00.000+07:00

Location: Warnet FISIP

Just arrived from Kun-Hee's home. I brought him balloons, shiny happy ones... the 1st one, orange, popped! the 2nd and the 3rd was green and yellow. As all kindies, Kun-Hee seemed to adore the thing soooo much.. Well, that's good, knowing that last Tuesday he was so not in the mood that his mum had to bribe him with 2 toys from Pasaraya to get him upstairs and study with moi. Well, it was the most cheerful 15 minutes of the lesson until he accidentally pushed my cup and broke the handle. O-o... a good thing that time was up, so the incident actually happened on the right timing (for whatever reason..). Thank goodness Mum was all OK with all that...she even told me that she'll provide me with my earning on Tuesday. Yipeee!!! But that is not the WholE point, cuz now I am still clueless in vain.

Waiting is officially killing! I am waiting (together with my 2 of my dear friends) for 'The Call' to inform us about 'The Sidang'. Omg, it's like waiting endlessly for sth beyond our expectations... Grrrrl, it's like sth struggling from your tummy, got stuck in your throat, and cannot get out from there! Man, how I'd DIE to get this over with :X

No cure can medicate my fever caused by too much waiting but 'The Confirmation Call'. Shoot! if I write more, I might end up swearing and cursing. Thus, I'd better stop at this second. Amigos, para siempre! Hope when I get back Online, things are gonna get pretty much better than it is right now :)

PascaDeadline

2005-07-18T19:14:00.000+07:00

Location: At Joey's office, a spot in jl. Puri Mutiara, Jeruk Purut

It's passed deadline already, yet I am still in weary cuz I haven't really passed the grand (grand) finale...since there will still be 'the Sidang' which most possibly be held around the 25th this month. Some says that it will only be a formality for actually graduating totally. I think it's rather unfair that TKA only counts for 3 sks! us, TKA-ers, have brought or blood and tears on the line, for God sake! I am fully aware that TKA is half as hard as Skripsi, but at least 4 sks would've been more appreciated. In all, if there's a short cut, I'd prefer to take ThaT instead of busting my brain with quantitative and qualitative observation, whatsoever...'guess I'm just a girl with too much things to do and so limited time, and I would be more than pleased to get my 3,5 years of study in the sophisticated-modern-art deco-orange-campus a.k.a FISIP UI. I've spent a fine time there, but I do not intend to expand my student card another semester, nu-uh...not me. I have big plans ahead, and I gotta focus on those issues, full stop. God, I've sacrificed my souce of living gitu loh...no way I'm gonna blow it this time.

I really hope the ending of my story in this chapter will be a happy one. I know that after I finish with this (Amien), there'll be another question bubbling in my head "What's next, nih?" But, as I look back, I do not seem to have any particular breakdowns nor a seventh-heaven experience (yet) in the history of my life-path. Or is it me who's so "living and letting go" that I can't recall them as a memory? ( again, my short term memory loss desease...got the Drew Barrymoore 50 First Dates' symptoms) I think I gotta be more proactive in order not to let those somewhat precious moments pass me by... I sorta live in a monochromatic life, but every day, I attempt to make the nicest of it :) Sourish sweet, life these days...hmm, but still yummy enough to sip! Wouldn't it be savory if a juicy lad would kindly garnish my dessert and bring sparkles along my gloomies and grays?...Ouch!